Getting Safe

It is 1:58 pm where I am right now.

On October 19th 2008 I told my mother that my stepfather had been emotional, sexually and physically abusive towards me. I suspect she had always had her suspicions- considering he had been emotionally and physically abusive to her too. When I told her, she was sorry and the next day she called me to tell me he had admitted everything and also went on to tell her why. Apparently his parents had treated him that way (this scares me because I want to have a child and what if I hurt my child? How do you trust yourself?). She promised me that she would do whatever it took for her to get away but it has been about 10 months since that promise and still I remain motherless.

I never did trust her though, something inside of me said it was lies.
2 months before my birthday I called the government I got emancipated which by legal definitions I am my own guardian and at that point I applied for assistance. I started receiving $491.00 a month.

I was living with my best-friend and her family which to this day I think of as my own, they showed me how a real family works and her mother protected, tried to give me strength.

I payed them $791.00 for October, November and part of December but I couldn't stay because there were four children already and no space left.

After Christmas I moved out and in with a girl who was having trouble making ends meet, lets call her D. A couple weeks after I moved in I realized that we were the carbon copies of each other! Thats when I started drinking and doing drugs. I drank to be happy and I smoked dope so I could sleep, the dope was my favorite it gave me a dreamless sleep where no repressed memories could wake me up. D was drunk six days out of the week and on the seventh day she would sleep, I also noticed she had a bit of a cocaine problem.

Though I loved D, I felt that I could not live there anymore. My depression had spun out of control, all the thoughts I had were of ending my life. Many times I drove myself to the hospital, I just couldn't trust me to keep safe anymore and at one point I almost over dosed but on what, I will not say.

After that I was trading things for Clauzapan (if I spelled that right). I would take 6 or 7 of them and sleep all day but after those ran out I was left with nothing, no dope, no alcohol and no Clauzapan to lean on. I faced myself and still hated what I saw, what I am trying to say is none of that made a difference- none of the drugs I took made me see myself differently. I ended up hating myself more because I didn't have the strength to stay away from drugs and alcohol- I could have been like my father. At that point I called the one person who offered me a place irregardless, my Aunt.

Thats when I got safe.

Yours truly, Simply 17

ps; If anyone is reading this, feel free to comment- also just wondering if anyone has been abused badly and managed to raise a child without using abuse.