My Depression Tactic

It is 6:21 pm where I am right now.

Dealing with my depression has been the hardest thing I have had to do so far. I have been trying various different things, the first being a journal but I found myself a little too paranoid about someone finding it. The next thing was meditating; I found that being a lone with my thoughts was not good. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is what I am doing right now. So far I do not know a lot about it, but apparently it deals with depression and anxiety (my O.C.D aspects too).

Already I have been given two things to do, walk 3 times a week (walking releases enzymes) and write out my fears/negative thoughts. It is easier said than done and I find myself embarrassed when I write my fears out. I have to though; to get better so here I go...

I fear that if I show my true emotions to people they won’t love me.

I fear that no matter what I do, I will disappoint people I love.

I am afraid to die.

I fear death constantly.

I fear not being a part of people’s lives.

I fear that I won’t make it in life.

I am scared of going to sleep.

I fear that I will miss important things.

I fear people, large crowds and small spaces.

I fear old people.

I fear loud noises, they make me panic.

I fear yelling.

I fear panic attacks.

I am just scared.

I fear that I forgot to do something, all the time.

I am afraid the doors aren’t locked, I check multiple times.

I am afraid of the dark.

I fear being alone.

I am afraid of cars. I am afraid of driving.

I fear that I don’t belong.

I fear that my life will never truly begin because I have so much fear and anxiety.

My over all worry, the thing that keeps me the most scared is that I feel like someone is always after me. They could grab me in the dark or break in. I think this comes from my stepfather’s abuse. He would always tell me how I would wake up and find my dog dead or he would kill me. He use to tell me stories when I was eight about how he would beat women and other people. I guess what he told me has sat in my mind and turned him into a giant, where I can’t sleep, can’t charge him and can’t do ANYTHING without worry!

I feel like he is after me, although I know he is not, he is not all that he built himself up to be. He is just a sad man who has taken his angers out on someone else, I know this but still I am afraid.

Hopefully I will find the strength to charge him before it is too late.

Yours truly, Simply 17