Just Starting

It is 2:40 am where I am right now.

I am not much for honesty, it is hard to be honest with yourself much less people I have never met before but... I am starting to warm up to the idea.

I am 17 years of age, but I really do feel a lot older but that is probably because of how many experiences I have had so far and I am not bragging because seriously I wish most of them have never happened.

My father was an alcoholic and not one of those drink quietly and keep my addiction hidden alcoholics. My father was a ragging alcoholic from the day I was born until probably the day I die. I still don't understand why a man like that would have children. Nor would I have imagined the woman who would marry a man like that- if she were not my mother.

One time my father passed out in the driveway with a thing of vodka in his hand, my mother went out and covered him with a tarp because she did not want the police to come again. She said nothing to me or my brother all night and she never acknowledged it ever again. Most likely if I were to ask her tomorrow about the tarp incident she would say "it never happened".

I ask myself everyday, who am I mad at? My mother, my father, my grandfather, or, my stepfather? I realized I am not mad at any of them, sure I have been hurt by them but the real person I am mad at is me. I could have done so many things differently, I could have told on my grandfather the first time he molested me at age 5, the first time my father beat me, the first time my mother abandoned me or even the first time my step father raped me.

I don't want to be mad at myself anymore, I do not want to drink, take drugs or have panic attacks anymore- and I am going to take life day by day so I can get safe and get better.

I will write each day.
Yours truly, Simply 17